Oh wait, I just remembered...

Do you ever get those random moments where you're absolutely consumed in one thing, and then your subconscious dredges up some deep, dark, emotionally tragic memory or thought? You know...then your entire day is ruined because you were just doing your thing but your mind was like, nah, not today? 

I just had that. I was semi-pleasantly working away at my Art History homework, lost in the Byzantine empire and it's art works when BAM. A memory; a thought; a dumbass idea popped into my head. 

Back in the day, I was young, impressionable, and impulsive beyond measure. I married young. I married someone I thought I loved. And after three years of marriage, I left. But it's not just that I left...but that I was told to leave. This is something I've been battling myself with for such a long time, and I should be over it, but in the end, I don't think I ever will be.

I spoke up about my feelings...I wanted more out of my life and out of my marriage but he didn't feel like there was anything wrong, or that there was anything that could be done to make me happy. He said that my problems were my own and that he was living his best life, so I was either going to stay and be his wife and deal with it....or leave. So, in the end I told him to fuck off and I left.

To this day, I am struggling with the after effects of feeling worthless or that I'm not capable of having someone love me and fight for me the way that I think I deserve. And it's when I get these random moments of sheer madness from my dick subconscious, that it really, seriously gets to me!

So what can I do? I can try to lose myself in my school and my work, I can try to get out more and fill my life with as much as I can, but all of that still doesn't change the feelings or the thoughts. Instead, it just buries them a little bit more.

Hopefully, I'll figure my shit out eventually, one way or another. I was going strong for a while there! I just wish my subconscious wasn't such a bitch.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Just A Little

Everyday I hate myself a little more. My money bleeds out of my pockets. The smile that rests on my face is forced. The rolls on my body, every time I look, seem bigger. I am not unhappy. Or at least... I don't think so. I could care less but I care very much. Apathy? Disinterest? I am a rock slowly sinking, down, down, down. I feel like I'm nothing but I want to be. Motivation seems hard to come by, if at all. And I am left wanting. Just a little. Just a little more. More.
Read more

Being Free Of You

You have consumed me My soul has had time to heal But you are still there Forever present A dark mark upon my skin An itch I can't scratch  You have wounded me Tortured me in countless ways And you'll never learn  I am sick of it Wishing to feel more than Worthless, unloved, spent It's never ending The fear of myself in time Being free of you I want to feel free I want to feel free of you Just let me be free
Read more

Stars

I thought I knew what it meant to be loved Having someone to hold me And keep me from shattering to pieces In some of my most darkest moments To bestowing their pride upon me And giving me their dreams. I thought I knew what I was worth That I was made for more could do more to be more  Than this thing I see in the mirror A beautiful broken image yearning for better. I am a lesser version of what I believed myself to be But I'm also stronger and more determined Ready to sacrifice and move this earth beneath me To rise up and reach  I tell myself to breathe To relax in the idea that the universe will hear me and respond That regardless of what I'm feeling now The future is bright and open to me So long as I allow love in and give love in return I am more than capable  Of whatever light I choose to stand within.
Read more