Alexis Tia Aho

Everyday I hate myself a little more. My money bleeds out of my pockets. The smile that rests on my face is forced. The rolls on my body, every time I look, seem bigger. I am not unhappy. Or at least... I don't think so. I could care less but I care very much. Apathy? Disinterest? I am a rock slowly sinking, down, down, down. I feel like I'm nothing but I want to be. Motivation seems hard to come by, if at all. And I am left wanting. Just a little. Just a little more. More.

I did a podcast on this topic a few months back, and there have been so many moments since that have prompted me to think back on what I said and those I was referring to. I just recently had an encounter with one of my "fake friends". I think it says a lot about a person if they are the ones to instigate a conversation, ask a question that they already know the answer to, and then to instantly get upset at the answer. And not just that, but to then become so defensive that there is no conversation to be had. I was asked such a question. She already knew it was going to be an awkward and hard conversation, and I'm sure she expected me to give her a very glazed over, sugared response to make her feel better. But no. I told myself a long time ago that I needed to stop being so nice to people, and this instance was definitely one that I didn't feel like doing so. But that's not to say I was incessantly rude either. So I respond; I explain how I feel and my rese...

Do you ever get those random moments where you're absolutely consumed in one thing, and then your subconscious dredges up some deep, dark, emotionally tragic memory or thought? You know...then your entire day is ruined because you were just doing your thing but your mind was like, nah, not today?  I just had that. I was semi-pleasantly working away at my Art History homework, lost in the Byzantine empire and it's art works when BAM. A memory; a thought; a dumbass idea popped into my head.  Back in the day, I was young, impressionable, and impulsive beyond measure. I married young. I married someone I thought I loved. And after three years of marriage, I left. But it's not just that I left...but that I was told to leave. This is something I've been battling myself with for such a long time, and I should be over it, but in the end, I don't think I ever will be. I spoke up about my feelings...I wanted more out of my life and out of my marriage but he didn...

I thought I knew what it meant to be loved Having someone to hold me And keep me from shattering to pieces In some of my most darkest moments To bestowing their pride upon me And giving me their dreams. I thought I knew what I was worth That I was made for more could do more to be more  Than this thing I see in the mirror A beautiful broken image yearning for better. I am a lesser version of what I believed myself to be But I'm also stronger and more determined Ready to sacrifice and move this earth beneath me To rise up and reach  I tell myself to breathe To relax in the idea that the universe will hear me and respond That regardless of what I'm feeling now The future is bright and open to me So long as I allow love in and give love in return I am more than capable  Of whatever light I choose to stand within.

I hate being reminded of you Of the way you treated me like I wasn't worth holding on to Like my voice wasn't my own And that it wasn't worth hearing  I hate being reminded of you Of your face when you told me to leave The image of you laughing at my expense And telling friends that once were  my "true" nature I hate being reminded of you The anxiety that fills me with no control The emotions that I buried and have let fester inside I am burning at the thought of you I hate being reminded of you Your vision of me forces itself against my skin You are not worth a second of my time or a section of my thoughts but you are there and it kills me To no end I hate being reminded of you I hate being reminded of you.

By Moonlight It was behind her, Stalking, soundless, absent, Darkness surrounding, She runs, trips, alone, Too quick, too slow, The noises abounding, Nowhere, everywhere, sightless, It beats against the pavement, By rays of moonlight, hounding, Whimpering, crying, laughing, It presses in against her, Screams and howls sounding. Remembering You’re on my mind again, Every time I think I’ve forgotten, Your eyes, your smile, your face, Your image consumes me once more. You’re on my mind again, I remember what you did, what we did, The moments of silence, the waiting, the guilt, The passing of glances within the dim light of the church, You are everywhere and nowhere. You're on my mind again, Confusing my ideas of what’s right and what’s wrong, Clarity vanishing with fear and anxiety, One again brought to the surface. You are with me, within me, And I'm not sure how to feel anymore, How to feel about you an...